Abundant Days

Living A life beyond men 

Every so often TikTok has another discussion about men and women. There are conversations about relationships, marriage, gender roles, feminism, and how women are treated etc. But lately I’ve noticed these conversations becoming much more intense especially on the Muslim side of TikTok.

For some people their dislike and distrust of men has gone so far that it has started to affect their belief in Islam or, how they practice it in their daily life. Some have rejected parts of the Sunnah or dismissed Hadiths entirely because they believe, they were created or preserved by misogynistic men.

However the same tradition that preserved and passed down the Qur’an also preserved and passed down the Sunnah. There are also ways to evaluate Hadiths and determining whether they are strong, weak, or somewhere in between.

But this article is not about Hadith sciences or debating the authenticity of individual Hadith.

What I want to talk about is something I’ve noticed online. There are pages where so much of the content is about men. What men are doing wrong, why women should dislike men, why women shouldn’t trust men. Post after post, the conversation always seems to come back to men. While some of the posts aren’t necessarily wrong, they can still become unhealthy when they make men the main focus of the conversation. There is a difference between discussing a real problem and constantly making that problem the center of your attention, you can acknowledge something is wrong without allowing it to consume your thoughts.

It makes me wonder if we are trying to decenter men why are we still talking about them so much?

What does it actually mean to build a life beyond men?

Acknowledge the Problem, But Don’t Make It Your Reality

Decentering men does not mean ignoring the problems women face, there are real issues that women should talk about and women who have been mistreated or hurt should not be dismissed.

Constantly consuming content about what men are doing wrong can slowly make these problems feel like the defining reality of being a woman. When the conversation is always about who not to trust, and what could go wrong, we start expecting these things to happen rather than simply recognizing that they exist.

The more we hear about unhealthy behavior the more familiar it becomes to us and it becomes normalized eventually changing our standard for what we consider “normal”. Behaviors that previously were deemed “bad” or “concerning” can start to feel like something we women simply have to expect. In away the bar gets lower and we become desensitized to the behavior that should have never been normalized in the first place!!

And without solutions our reality can become pretty depressing and demoralizing.¹²

For example if women are experiencing abuse we should not only talk about how terrible abuse is. We should also ask what we can do to help by educating women about warning signs of abuse, teach them where and how to seek help. We also can take action support organizations that work with survivors by donating, or volunteer at domestic violence centers.

If women need stronger communities, we can build that community by having get togethers, events centered around how to better your life. If women need better education we can create opportunities for them to learn by having Scholarships, Internships, networking events etc.

It is one thing to say, “This is a problem.” It is another to ask “What can we do about it?”

If we want better lives for women we have to move beyond constantly pointing out what is wrong and start thinking about what we can build. There is also a difference between discussing mens harmful behavior address a real problem and using it to one men in a argument.

Acknowledging a problem is important but building a solution better is even more powerful.

Hating Men Can Still Mean Centering Men

If the goal is to decenter men constantly talking about them, even negative talk can still keep them at the center of your life.

It’s not just “pick me’s”who is constantly praising men, seeking men’s approval, constantly discussing how much you dislike men, your attention is still revolving around them.

We Don’t Have to Borrow Someone Else’s Definition of Fulfillment

Another part of building a life beyond men is realizing that we do not have to borrow someone else’s definition of what a fulfilling life looks like.

A lot of what we see online about women, independence, relationships, and freedom is influenced by Western feminism and individualism. Some of these ideas may address real problems however that does not mean we have to accept the entire worldview that comes with those ideologies.

Individualism can also create the idea that we should be completely self sufficient and not need anyone. We are also social creatures who depend on other people in different ways, needing family, friends, community, or support from others is not a weakness. We were created as people who depend on one another, while ultimately depending on Allah(swt). But more importantly as human beings we are not truly self sufficient, WE are dependent on Allah(swt) WE need Him, WE rely on Him, and WE can never independent of Him.

As Muslim women we already have our own framework for understanding purpose, freedom, family, and womanhood. Our worth does not come from being completely independent from men or anyone else but it also does not come from being married or having a family. Our worth comes from being believers and servants of Allah(swt).

For some women having a career can be liberating and fulfilling while for others being a stay at home wife and mother may be what brings them fulfillment, one is not automatically better than the other. We should not replace one form of pressure with another by telling women that they have to have a career to be successful or that they have to reject marriage and motherhood to be considered independent.

We can make our own choices while remaining grounded in our faith there is no need to reject everything from the West but we also don’t have to accept every idea simply because it is presented as liberation.

Our definition of a fulfilling life should come from our values and our relationship with Allah(swt) not from whatever ideology happens to be trending online.

The Islamic Perspective

Islam gives us a middle ground we do not have to choose between completely rejecting men and marriage on one side, or believing that a woman’s entire purpose is to marry, have children, and serve her husband on the other. Islam does not require us to live at either extreme.

As human beings we have been given intellect and the ability to learn. We have the opportunity to educate ourselves about our deen, ask questions, seek knowledge, and understand why we believe what we believe. We should not blindly accept someone else’s interpretation of Islam simply because they are a man, nor should we allow people who oppose Islam to tell us what Islam preaches.

This is why learning our religion for ourselves is so important, If we do not educate ourselves we can easily become dependent on other people’s interpretations of our faith. Whether that comes from men who misuse religion, misguided people who misguided others or people online who reject Islam altogether.

Allah(swt) has given us the ability to learn so we should use it this means we can question what we hear without questioning Allah’s(swt) authority. We can go and learn from qualified scholars studying our tradition and take the time to understand our deen rather than blindly following whatever happens to be popular online.

Islam does not ask us to choose between being completely dependent on men and being completely independent from everyone. It frees us from that false choice by teaching us to be dependent on the one who created us and understands us the most, the one one who is truly self sufficient in very sense of the word Allah(swt) while also understanding our responsibilities to ourselves, our families, our communities, and one another.

We don’t need Western ideologies to tell us what freedom looks like and we don’t need misogynistic interpretations of religion to tell us what womanhood looks like either. We can find them be returning to the foundation of our deen by seek knowledge allowing Islam itself to shape our understanding.

A Life Beyond Men

At the end of the day building a life beyond men does not mean pretending that problems do not exist. It’s not hating men or proving that we do not need anyone but rather its means refusing to let men or our feelings about men become the center of our lives.

There is so much more for us to experience and contribute in our lives left for us to do We can strengthen our relationship with Allah(swt), build communities, pursue our interests, gain knowledge, an most importantly of all create lives that are meaningful to us.

We do not have to spend our lives reacting to men We can spend them building something of our own.

And perhaps that is what truly decentering men looks like not a life defined by avoiding men but a life so full of joy and purpose that men are simply one part of life.